Bridge over the Potomac
I wish to share a private moment with you. Sit down with me as you read and join me up here as I share this moment overlooking the Nations Capital.
I currently live in Alexandria, and for most of my friends across the states and around the world, I live close enough to DC to say that I live in DC. I’m writing this tonight while sitting on a bench, on top of a bridge that goes across the Potomac river. I’m looking directly at the big penis of America (the Washington monument) and am considering the big internal process I just went through.
I came up here with doubts, fears and insecurities. I can hold myself together pretty well. But while I was up here, I decided to give humble offerings to each of the 4 directions (if you’re feeling lost, this is a perfect way to find yourself again and be your own compass). I don’t have much to give, but I caught myself saying, “I am enough” as I found items on my walk that were pretty and reminded me of the directions. I have to admit, I fell apart and cried up here on a bridge over the Potomac. Good thing I don’t wear makeup, because it was an ugly cry. I fell into my practice and I asked for help from the universe after I gave my offerings.
Right as I recovered from letting go and surrendering, I faced towards DC and noticed a plane was taking off from Reagan airport. It felt like the universe heard my plea for help, and I felt connected to the plane. I felt I was that plane. Full of vision and at the beginning of a long flight. I asked if this sign was for me, and right at that moment a ship came from the opposite direction, directly under me and heading straight for DC. For a brief moment I was simultaneously under an airplane and also over a water taxi at the same time. It felt right.
The only way to grow stronger in your faith is to break it. It is the process of losing it, and then finding it again. I came up here with all my fears, doubts, insecurities, and worries that I was failing. I spoke them out loud and I let myself go. I opened up to the bigger energies out there and got an almost immediate answer. It’s taken me years to build my own vocabulary with Spirit. To be able to see what these messages mean to me instead of looking outside of myself for the answer. Tonight I broke and I was held by the Universe in a safe context. Because I had my practice to fall back on. I did the crucial thing and instead gave time for Spirit to answer me back. I listened. It’s a conversation, not a one way street where you keep asking for stuff. I gave and spoke from my heart. And am walking away with a deeper sense of connection.
I couldn’t begin to find a way to thank Mary Tyrtle Rooker and Christina Lee Pratt enough. For giving me the foundation to really break down in a good way and build myself back up with the context of my true soul self and my authenticity.
So thank you for reading this, and thank you for joining me momentarily on this bridge over the Potomac while having this grand view of DC. Blessings for you to find the courage to break down and get back up again with a stronger sense of self.
Disclaimer: this whole post was written while sitting on the bridge with the view. So you technically did join me on the bridge.
Singing to your food
I know it might sound ridiculous and you’re afraid people might laugh at you or judge you if they catch you doing it. However, being kind to your food actually helps you in the long run.
Sensitive people can tell the difference when someone makes them food, and they really put their love and care into that food. When we get food prepared for us (especially from a fast food restaurant), it’s disconnecting in a way. Sure, it might taste good, but somehow it doesn’t fill us up like Grandmas Apple Pie did.
We can be magical just like our Grandparents and make amazing food with depth and meaning if we just focus our attention on our food in a conscious way. Most people live to eat. We should be making the switch to eat to live. If we slowly stop overconsuming food because the food that we cook or eat has our intention cooked into it, we can become “full” even easier. Thus learning to stop overeating can become easier.
Many people that are Reiki practitioners bless their food with Reiki. Hey, if that floats your boat then cool! I actually pray by singing. I connect my intention with my voice and singing always puts me in a good mood. I intentionally connect with the food that I’m about to cook and will often sing to it. What does that mean energetically? I am blessing my own food and eating my prayers. I’m not as disconnected from my food and I feel a sense of connection to something bigger out there in the big web of life.
Even if you’re a horrible cook and can’t cook for yourself, try just humming something to your microwave dish. Make the intention to connect to your food and give gratitude for the many hands it took to get it to your table. If you’re also looking to deepen your Shamanic Practice, set a little food aside for the land spirits and ancestors in gratitude for the food that is about to nourish your body.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
What’s with all the spiders?
As some may notice as we begin upgrading our site and constantly changing/evolving it – it is fitting into a bigger picture. This is the official webpage that we will be using to honor the spirit of technology as it was originally presented to me.
The spirit of Technology and I have had a very interesting ride so far, and the beauty of working with things in a shamanic sense is being able to have a relationship with almost everything out there in the greater web of life. It was almost a “duh” moment when I journeyed to meet the spirit of technology and found a spider. Get it? World wide web? It has the potential to weave people together.
One of the reasons for reaching out to the spirit of technology? It was part of my community work with the cycle teachings (the 4 year shamanic program I’m in) and I really began to see the potential of hosting space for a non-local shamanic community for people that wanted to authentically begin connecting with themselves on a deeper level. If you’re interested in the teachings, feel free to visit Why Shamanism Now as well as the Last Mask Center where all of the trainings are listed. I will be able to offer some of the classes/skills as an extension of the community in the years to come, but for now let us focus on what we have here with the Eagle Therapies community.
One of the things that we must realize is that when we begin interacting with different spirits that offer to help us, and us help them – they are a reflection of how we treat the wider universe. Each relationship, wether it is spiritual or in physical reality, must be treated with respect. Hence why creating an altar or shrine is a very authentic and shamanic way in building right relationship with the natural world around us.
This post will over time be gently upgraded in order to reflect my relationship with the spirit of technology. For now this is the virtual spot online, and we will keep adding to it as time goes on!
Pre-Earth Day Celebrations and Fire Ceremony
During the month of March, in preparation for Earth Day, April 22nd, 2018, we will be hosting an array of Fire Ceremonies releasing limiting beliefs that prevent us from showing up in a good way. One of the ways we can be in right relationship with the world around us is by acknowledging our own contribution to feeding limiting beliefs. Many people use their busy life as an excuse not to focus on themselves. Well, this is an event that will be encouraging focus on the self so we can truly allow ourselves to be the stewards of change.
Let us usher in change and transformation!
There will be 3 different dates/locations in the month of March.
- March 10th – 2-7pm in Cascades, MD. Event link on Meetup and Facebook
- March 17th – 3-8pm in Damascus, MD. Event link on Meetup and Facebook
- March 25th – 3-8pm in Springfield, VA. Event link on Meetup and Facebook
The one I’m most excited about? The one in Cascades, MD. It’s set in a beautiful little mountain neighborhood, and we will be picking up trash along a waterfall earlier in the day. Soolah Hoops is a fire performer with a local fire troop called Pyrophoric. We will be teaming up to combine spiritual/mental/emotional diving with practical application. Fire is a wonderful and transformative tool, and we will be provided fire spinning cord cutting on March 10th. Truly let go and allow those old beliefs and what you agreed to hold you back go up in flames! Literally! We will hold space for you.
Here is the event description and itinerary (basic outline, adjust 1 hour for those participating in Cascades) for those interested in attending:
In honor of Earth Day on April 22nd, we will be laying the ground work for stepping into a new story. The stories we tell ourselves have power, and some of our old stories are rooted in old beliefs that we didn’t even know that we had. We don’t have to justify trying to “be Green” anymore. A vast majority of the population already know we need to change the way we are living because it’s not sustainable. Most people have good intentions about doing good things for the Earth, like recycling, eating green, buying organic, or using canvas grocery bags. However, good intentions aren’t enough. Typically when we are rushed or stressed, we buy food on the run, throw away trash to release the clutter instead of recycling, and forgetting the canvas grocery bags at home. It’s our human nature, and typically the story we tell ourselves is, “I don’t have enough time”, “That takes up too much energy” or “But it’s so hard to remember”. Those are all stories we tell ourselves, and they are rooted in beliefs.
For those that don’t know, a fire ceremony can be used as a transformative tool to effectively dive down into our psyche, manifest what our old beliefs are into power objects, and then release them to the fire to be transformed. Energy can neither be created, nor destroyed – only transformed. If you are trying to create a fundamental change, but are unwilling to give things up, how can you welcome more onto your plate when your plate is already full? By being able to discuss, share space with other like minded people, and craft power objects – we will lay the groundwork for a true transformative process that involves our mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies.
The schedule will go as follows, but it subject to change. This is BASIC OUTLINE:
3p – Gather and begin building a community altar. Introduce ourselves with one another, and get acquainted.
3:30 – Set the container, weave the circle, and set the intention
4:00 – Explanation of what we will be doing, and go over the plan/itinerary so everyone is on the same page
4:30 – Diagnostic journeys to see what the limiting beliefs are that we will be releasing into the power object. How do we make these objects? Share and discuss if called to. Sometimes the act of sharing helps us become more concrete about our answers.
5-6:30 – Arts and crafts time! This is where we will be intentional with our crafts. There will be a space to dance, hoop, and spin if needed in order to get into our bodies and have a more clear sense of what is happening/going on. Embodiment is key!
6:30 – Sit in silence with our power objects. Now that we have manifested them into physical reality, they no longer hold power over us in our mind/emotions/spirit. Now is the opportunity to thank it for allowing us to get this far, but acknowledging that it is time to let go. Here is where we ask what the true nature of this object is, and how we can release it in a good way.
7:00 – Fire cleansing, cord cuttings, and lighting the big fire. Last minute releases before we truly allow ourselves to experience the full “release” of tossing in these power objects
7:30 – Gathering around the fire as a group and releasing our power objects into the fire one by one. We support each other, and we become sacred witnesses for those going through their process.
8:00 – Sing one last song together as a group and begin closing up our circle, releasing the energies we called forward.
Potluck after!
Things to bring:
-Journal or something to record experiences with
-Leftover crafting supplies (scissors, paint, glue gun, twine))
-Things you’ve been meaning to burn for a while (letters from an ex, old photos, *burnable* things – ie please no plastics, make it fire friendly)
-Drum, rattle, didgeridoo, sacred objects
-Food for potluck. There will be people there with food allergies or dietary restrictions, so please if possible – list the ingredients on a note card or bring the packaging.
-Ceremony run off of donation and sacred reciprocity. Suggested donation is $20-$40 to help offset costs of running Ceremony.
Things to be mindful of:
-NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL prior or during Ceremonial space, ESPECIALLY because we will be dealing with fire. Please be “clean” and try to refrain from drugs or alcohol at least a full 24 hours before. Prescription meds (especially if you need them to live) are an exception.
-Pay attention to boundaries and space. Not everyone is a hug-filled person. This Ceremony can get pretty intense, so please ask for consent or permission to give someone a hug/touch someone unless you know them well.
Life Compass Group
What is the Life Compass Group? No, it’s not associated with a Health Insurance Company.
I have found that the Internal Guidance System by Zen Debrucke, or what is also known in some circles as a “Truth Chord” is of vital importance of learning how to navigate your life in a graceful and easy flow. The Truth Chord is a skill that we can learn how to hone, and it becomes of utmost importance when we begin (or deepen) our shamanic journeying practice.
This group is something that arose out of a need for people to come together in a community to support each other as we begin to deepen our own practice. It is important for us to be within our own bodies as we live our life, because our body is what holds the wisdom of why we are here. Most don’t even know how to be in their body because their body is generally associated with pain.
When we focus too much on what is in the past because something is triggering us, or worrying about the future because we are worried what might happen – little do we realize we are not in our body. Our attention drifts to those past experiences, or the future possibilities and we get lost in that emotion/chaos of it all. When our focus drifts, that is when we are not here in the Now. This is an embodiment group where we will be able to clear the stuck or stagnant energies in our bodies so we can connect with it (typically with movement or singing), and then using that immediate clear channel of a body in order to gain insight on which direction we should be going in life.
This Meetup will only be an hour long, and schedule will go as follows:
7:00 – Gathering, setting up community altar, getting to know each other
7:10 – Weaving Circle, introducing ourselves and why we’re here
7:15 – Chakra clearing and balancing. Involves either movement or singing. Neither is required, but both encouraged.
7:45 – Going over different techniques for using the IGS, and having exercises to practice on our own or in a group
7:55 – Clean up! Saying goodbye
Bring your journal! This will be a fun and interactive group. If there is enough interest, it is possible this could be bi-weekly like the Journey Group.
Releasing Perspectives into the Fire
It turns out that when I wrote the details for this Ceremony, it was a little too long for the event description! Well, I mentioned this Ceremony in the end of December and beginning of January newsletter, and I found an awesome venue which lets me set things on fire! I mean… create sacred fire. Here are the details expanded so you can be able to expand upon some of the thoughts/mechanisms behind this Ceremony. If you have questions or concerns, please feel free to call, text, or email.
New to Ceremony and don’t know what it is exactly? Read this brief introduction to Ceremony in order to get you started.
Here is a copy and paste from the Event description on Facebook, and a shortened version on Meetup:
What is Ceremony and why does it matter
If you made it to this page, that means that you must be curious about Ceremony and what type of benefits it could carry.
Usually people that are concerned about their own personal development begin to have an awareness about how their actions affect the world around them. When we begin to collect an awareness of the impact one individual can make, they move into mindfulness. These are generally the first steps to creating permanent change and transformation in a society that encourages mindless multitasking and mass consumption. When we begin to cultivate an awareness or mindfulness, we realize that form follows thought. Our thoughts motivate and control a lot of our actions. When examining the roots of our thoughts, we see that sometimes we have old beliefs or trauma’s from our past or anxiety about our future that cloud our judgement.
Think of this as the tip of the iceberg, our conscious awareness. When we dip down into Ceremony and Ritual, we are stepping out of ordinary reality into something that can create a vessel to access the subconscious. The subconscious is where we have all of those thoughts and beliefs that run on autopilot, that we sometimes have no conscious control of because it’s so automatic. When we consciously use Ceremony and Ritual with intention, we can change those aspects of ourselves that are holding on to old beliefs or trauma, and step into a mode of healing that allows us to create easier change within our everyday lives.
There are many public and private ceremonies, and they all are a certain type of container that holds a specific experience. The beautiful thing is, that a Ceremony or Ritual will meet you where you are. If you are not ready for a big change, then most likely you will not see too dramatic of a shift in your everyday life. If you pour your heart and soul into a Ceremony or Ritual, significant change can happen with consistency, practice, and showing up.
Ritual is something that you perform to hold a status quo, to honor the fact that you are repeating it over and over. Many people have a night time ritual that signifies to their subconscious that they are preparing to sleep. And if some people get off track of their “night time ritual”, then they find that they have a more difficult time getting to sleep. Ceremony is typically something that instigates change. You want something in your life to change or transform, so you use Ceremony as a tool to step up and ask Spirit for that change. Spirit/God/Goddess/The Universe tends to listen, and if the Ceremony is set up the right way with the right intention, the patterns you are asking for relief from will be temporarily be lifted out of your life. Your only job at that point is to hold the line with some of the changes you asked for. If you revert back to your old patterns and ways thinking that there is no work involved with a Ceremony, then that means you’re giving permission for Spirit/God/Goddess/The Universe to lay those patterns right down on you. That’s why many people hold fast to the New Years Resolution as a type of Ceremony. They make goals, and they may or may not follow through with things… but if they don’t change anything in their daily lives, they don’t notice a difference.
Personal development is work, progress, and consistency. When you learn to show up for yourself and create a stronger sense of integrity, you realize the gifts of abundance that are around you.
Happy Ceremony 🙂
The Skill of Crafting a Great Journey Question
This post is meant for the more seasoned practitioner since crafting a journey question is a skill that we develop over time as we deepen our practice and our relationship with our helping spirits. Journeying is a tool that we can use to communicate with the higher source/God/The Universe/Great Spirit. Learning to ask the right questions is a skill in and of itself, and is one of the necessary steps to having a valuable journey experience.
If you are a beginner and still interested in reading, go right on ahead. Sometimes less is more, and if you want to start off with the basic posts and information, here are some great resources for you:
- Shamanic Journeying – What is it and how is it useful?
- Beginning Journey Questions – Basic outline for starting a journey practice at home
- Strengthening our Connections to Our Guides – A basic post about how to deepen your practice once it’s started
- “How to Begin Shamanic Journeying” Why Shamanism Now – an hour long podcast about Journeying
- “Should I Learn Shamanic Journeying” Why Shamanism Now – podcast about reasons why to journey.
Alright, still with me? If you are, then great! I have personally been studying Shamanic Journeying for at least 5 years at this point. In that time, I’ve stumbled upon a lot of pitfalls and have had a wide array of experience – especially in leading the weekly or Bi-weekly Fairfax Shamanic Journey group since 2014. Here are some tips and techniques for crafting a great journey question.
First of all, let’s back up. What is the purpose of journeying? If we review the basics, it is an altered state of consciousness that has the ability to access deeper realms of the mind then a meditation. In fact, it’s so deep that it goes from Ordinary Reality to Non-Ordinary Reality. In this state of us traveling to Non-Ordinary reality, we enter into the realm of Spirit, where it is best practice to interact with Spirit Guides who take us on an adventure. Hence why it’s called a Shamanic Journey. What makes it Shamanic is going into Non-Ordinary Reality with the help of Spirit Guides.
When we begin interacting with these Spirit Guides, we have to remember that a vast majority of them are not human. In this realization, we have to recognize that since we are meeting them in the realm of spirit, they commonly assume that we are a Spirit as well, frequently forgetting that we have a human body. In this, we must state the obvious to us, because helping spirits tend to be very literal and forget that at times we have limitations, and we need to take steps to get to where we are going instead of just “being there”. Some common limitations that Helping Spirits can commonly overlook (especially in the beginning part of the relationship) are time and spatial awareness. As you begin to work with your guide, they will become aware of your current status and where you want to go, but it is your job as the human to ask for more direction of where exactly you want to go (it’s one of the reasons why I push for adding “at this time” to the end of any journey question).
Helping Spirits are here to help us become better humans. They will teach us whatever we want to learn about. We are assigned at least one helping spirit into this life when we are born (in my cosmology, this is known as our “Non-Egoic” Helping Spirit), and they are always there with us even through the mistakes. They are here because they love us, and we are spirits in a human body, having a physical reality experience which they cannot experience. Since they do not have a body, they come to understand that physical reality and “life” as we know it, is a gift.
That being said, many people in our Western Contemporary Culture don’t view life as a gift. They view life as something that “happens” to us, and instead are coming from a place of superficiality instead of appreciating that life is a gift. When we are asking Journey questions from this place of life “happening” to us, asking, “Why did this happen?” or “Why did I lose my job?” – we can get superficial answers. Our helping spirits are here to help us get the most out of life so we can begin responding and engaging with life fully instead of just surviving. If we keep asking questions about things that don’t necessarily matter and are just distractions in our life, then our journey answers could be loose, fragmented, and potentially confusing. An example would be if we were to journey to ask what the next step to get that promotion at work is, but working at that job is not an expression of your lifes true purpose – then your helping spirits can show you what steps you need to take to do that, but instead you’re feeding a distraction. If you break up from a toxic relationship, but you don’t do anything to transform yourself – if you ask your Helping Spirit how to attract another relationship into your life, you’re going to manifest a different version of the same thing. The questions we ask are the framework of which we see things.
Crafting a journey question is part of the process to getting the most out of your journey practice. Sometimes if the questions we ask are too vague, we can receive really confusing journeys, or they just plain won’t make sense. In crafting a great journey question, we learn the discipline of holding an intention, as well as the brevity of getting in and out of the journey space efficiently. If our focus scatters, we may begin to receive answers to other questions we have on our mind, which blurs the line of clarity. If there are too many intentions while going in, or too many things on our mind, our Guides won’t understand what question to answer – so they either won’t answer it, or they will answer all of them at once.
So! Here is where we get into the meat of the task! Asking good questions.
One of the beautiful things about Shamanism is that it’s not just forcing your will or intentions on a certain situation (power of positive thought, etc). We can ask to be shown the true state of things now instead of just blindly visualizing a healthy and well root chakra. Yeah, yeah, eventually positive energy is just going to flow into it and make it whole, but what if we have a blockage in our root chakra that’s eating up all of the positive energy we’re sending it, and instead it’s feeding our anxiety? Sound familiar? Going “oh crap” yet? Here’s a basic formula of journey questions that you can apply to almost anything.
- What is the current state of __________________
- (examples: heart chakra, emotional body, relationship with coworker, etc.)
- What would the state of _________________ look/feel like if it were aligned with my lifes true purpose?
- What are the first three steps of what I can do to bridge this gap?
This is a good series of questions because you can do this with almost anything in your life and get a clear picture of what’s going on, and then act on it. A lot of us get spurred into inaction because of our indecision based off of the unknown. Ask questions, get answers, then act on them. Life is made for experiences, and if we keep holding ourselves back, how can we cultivate wisdom from experiences never had? It’s only hypothetical and it’s not real. We’re looking for authentic answers because it’s our authenticity we are seeking. If we didn’t bring our life’s true purpose into it, we wouldn’t have context. Sure, we can probably say “for the good of all” or “for the highest good”, but sometimes for the “highest good” isn’t exactly what’s good for you right now. The “highest good” can sometimes leave journeys out in the open with answers that don’t make sense or don’t apply at this time. When you bring in the context of your true purpose, that’s the reason why you were born on this Earth. You were born here for a reason, and your gifts are what you are meant to bring to this world.
True Nature Journey
One thing that won’t impede upon ethics or morals is if you do a true nature journey. Did you have something that recently popped up in your life and you think it might be a wonderful opportunity? One way to gain clarity on it is if you do a true nature journey on it, and see if it aligns with your true nature. This journey sometimes doesn’t give definitive answers, but you might get shown more “flows of energy” and get more feelings/sensations with this then cognitive definitions of things. Note the turbulence, smoothness, and sensations you get in your body when you feel into these journeys.
- Show me the true nature of ________________
- (person, job, pet, opportunity, etc)
- Show me how the true nature of _______________ were to affect my true nature at this time
If you’re still getting lost, stuck, or unsure where you’re going with a specific journey answer, you can always stop and ask who is asking the question. Sometimes we can spin around in circles because we find out that our biggest fear or our biggest wound is the one that has a tight grip on the reigns. Then once we focus on the wound/fear to overcome, all of a sudden the urgency to the journey question falls away, because you heal the part of yourself that was fixated on the need to know.
These prompts and information should help you deepen the process of asking better journey questions. Remember context, time, spatial awareness, true nature, and boundaries. Journeying is a skill to hone, and will keep evolving as you evolve. If you have any questions, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail at chenchira@eagletherapies.com. You can get more ideas about what to journey about with the Journey Group Archives, or join us on Zoom every other week for the Shamanic Journey Group either on Meetup or Facebook. There is also the posting of these topics on Facebook Groups if you’re interested in chatting on there.
LBC: Unconditional Love
It’s been a while since I wrote anything for the Little Bear Chronicles. I’ve grown up as much as my son has grown up. For those interested in reading previous tales of raising a child while being more spiritually aware, feel free to visit the Chronicles.
My son and I have grown apart as well as closer together in certain aspects. It’s been a joy raising him, and honestly I had to let him live his own path for a while. He pulled away from what I was teaching him, and part of it was because he’s young and wants to be with the other kids around him. It’s one of the reasons why community is so important to me. At one point we had a frank discussion, where he detailed that he didn’t like talking to his Helping Spirits because not a lot of other kids did. He fell away from the practice and the teachings, but sometimes one has to choose to let go and let the child discover their own path for a while. After many months, he came slowly back to it when a friend of mine also began teaching him the same things I was, but in a different way. He realized he liked the company of spiritual guidance, and liked the person he was while he was more connected.
He came back to the path in a big way shortly after his 9th birthday, and it showed up in a way I did not expect. It was an extremely embarrassing moment for me, but it proved to be a teaching moment for the both of us. Little Bear had been progressively receding into his own reality, escaping to the imaginary world of games/Youtube videos instead of facing what is out in the world around him while still being intact with his feelings. I had a feeling that the teachings that we were giving him were only sinking in to a superficial level, where he would retain the information and spit it out, reciting what I told him word for word. Well I mean, come on. That’s easy, right? Acknowledging and then escaping is so much easier then facing how you really feel deep down inside.
This great awakening happened this past weekend. A friend I know leads a really great sweat lodge, and Little Bear was very excited about the prospect of being a junior fire tender. He loved playing with fire, and seemed attracted by the glamour of doing an important job. Tending the fire at a ceremonial is something that is sacred to me, and I tried to pass along the importance. He got it… but to a point.
Needless to say, he was upset when I asked him several times to pay attention to what he was doing. There were several little things that built up over the course of the day, all leading toward more selfish and self satisfying tendencies then looking at the bigger whole. When I finally had the last straw, I told him that he wasn’t listening or taking his “job” seriously and had to take away the privilege of being a fire tender. Well… let’s just say it was a pretty big temper tantrum. And of course, it happened at the time when silence from the outside of the sweat lodge would have been preferred.
He’s a scorpio, and born in year of the rat. Calling him stubborn is being polite. Sometimes stubborn isn’t a bad thing, but stomping your feet and crying during a ceremony of release, prayer, and reconnecting is ill timed (to say the best). I called him out on his behavior, and after many long agonizing moments and many attempts at calming him down, I let him have his temper tantrums. Instead I focused my attention on the other junior fire tender who was being quiet, respectful, and following directions. Where your focus goes, energy flows. While this was happening, Little Bear kept voicing he wanted to be a fire tender, but I told him that he couldn’t because it was a position where you had to be responsible. And he wasn’t showing responsibility.
That’s when he told me he didn’t love me anymore.
I was quiet for a while, and told him that I loved him anyway. Despite all of the things he did and said. When he finally was able to process and take a step back and breathe, he finally came around and was open to listening and being more mindful about what he was doing. I was grateful he came back to being him, and prayed hard for guidance about how to best guide him in this to help him see the repercussions of his actions.
The biggest blessing is that the people attending/leading the sweat lodge are child friendly and understand the melt downs that occasionally happen when boundary setting doesn’t go well with children. They were polite, courteous, and pretended not to notice, instead focusing on the highlights of what the children helped with as junior fire tenders. The children responded kindly, and from that more confidence was built.
But I had to tackle this problem with him before it snowballed and blew over…
I waited a day or two before touching the topic again. When I did, he indicated how sorry he was. This wasn’t the first time he has done temper tantrums with inappropriate timing (well, it’s not like there is an appropriate time…) and I brought up the fact that he can tell me all he wants that he won’t throw temper tantrums anymore – but I won’t trust it until I see it. It’s not our words that count, but our actions.
And then I brought up his proclamation of him telling me he didn’t love me anymore. He fell silent and immediately stopped fidgeting, busying himself by pretending his hands were very interesting. I had a really great teacher that helped teach me about true love and being a warrior, and he passed along these teachings to Little Bear. I mixed in layers of what I also learned from my Shamanic teacher out in Oregon, and from that, this conversation was born.
“I told you that no matter what your choices are, that I love you no matter what. When you’re over 18 and out of the house, you can do whatever you want to and not have to worry about how your choices affect other people if that is what you choose. But because you’re under my care, you are my child, and you depend on me to live, therefore you have to abide by the rules that I set down. I can’t help you any more then guide you when it comes to your personal decisions, because I don’t want to control you. That’s why I’m letting you make your own choices. It’s your job to learn from your own choices instead of blaming others for how things ended up.”
He finally looked up at me at this point. And I continued, telling that his focus was finally on me fully, “What do you think unconditional love is?”
He shrugged. “I know what love is, but I don’t know what unconditional love is.”
“Well… true love is something that is always there for someone or something to experience. Unconditional love is something that doesn’t change. Can you think of some things that are unconditional?”
He couldn’t come up with an answer, and I could see he was confused by unconditional. “Think about it this way. That no matter what happens, certain things will always be happening and you can count on them. Like the sun rising and setting. Just because it’s raining and you can’t see the sun doesn’t mean it didn’t rise that day. Another example is that in our temperature zone means that winter is cold. Now can you think of something?”
At this point, he gasped and got excited because he thought of one, “Like the moon changes phases! That’s unconditional! No matter what happens the moon has its phases!”
We went over several examples until I felt the concept was stable in his mind. Then I asked the question, “So what do you think conditional means?”
“It means….. it means…. well…. that it doesn’t happen all the time?”
I smiled, “That’s great buddy! That’s right. Another layer to the meaning is that it has to be under the right ‘conditions’ for something to happen.” When he shot me a quizzical look, I continued, “For example, it’s unconditional that a seed has the potential to grow into a plant, right?”
He nodded.
“Well, the seed needs the right ‘conditions’ in order to grow. It’s not always guaranteed that it will grow tall and strong. If you plant an apple seed in the desert is it going to grow into an apple tree?”
“No, it needs the right dirt, water, and sunlight.”
“That’s right, those are conditions. In order for something to happen, things have to be in the right condition.”
I could see this information dawning across him and his beautiful face. Before I continued I made sure to grab his little hands. “True love is not something that needs conditions. It’s like the sun rising and setting. It can’t be taken away. To think otherwise is to be lied to. Something that others will use to control you. Love is not conditional.”
He made a face that made me chuckle. I could see he was already beginning to process this information. He sat still and quiet, squeezing my hand in return and looking up to me.
“Little Bear, when you told me that you didn’t love me, you were hurt. Only people that are hurt want to hurt other people. You wanted to pass the pain along to me and make me feel guilty to give you what you wanted. That’s conditional love, and what you’re exposed to a lot. Many people do that because they don’t know any better. I still loved you no matter how you acted, and I needed to let you swim in your feelings. To you it seemed like I was ignoring you, but I was waiting until you would hear what I had to say. I don’t want to control you or your actions, because that’s conditional love. I wanted you to come to your senses of your own accord. The path of true love requires being a warrior. And it took me a lot of strength to let you work things out on your own, in your own time. I will love you no matter what, but your actions affect how I treat you. And when you chose how to act, I chose how to respond.”
His eyes shifted focus, and I could tell he was about to argue. But then his eyes grew soft and the silence spanned. It had to be repeated a few times, but each time I explained this scenario to him, it peeled away more layers of understanding.
“Honey, this is something that you watch on your tablet through YouTube videos, and what you see all the time happening in school and here at home. For you to be considered ‘good’, you have to do XYZ. When someone name calls, it’s actually trying to control someone else. The thought behind it means that you’re hoping to provoke someone to get them to act how you want them to act. Like calling someone stupid or a brat, it makes a person upset enough to convince you that they are ‘not’. Again, this is conditional love. You are not those things when you ‘do as they say’. Unconditional love is nothing like that. It doesn’t try to control people, and instead there’s this constant support. A lot of people don’t know what that’s like or what it is, so it’s hard to explain it.”
After we talked about other examples of conditional love/manipulation techniques, we covered what would be conditional love. He finally was starting to get it. He laughed about it when I mentioned him saying he didn’t love me on Saturday, and he replied, “But I love you now!” Almost at the same time we pointed out that it was conditional love, and that the love we shared for each other didn’t change.
I brought the circle back around to emphasizing that I loved him unconditionally, but his choices affected how I treated him. I pushed that he had control over his choices, and not to blame me when I choose to focus on productive things instead of him when he’s throwing a tantrum. If he acted like a warrior of true love, he would step into unconditional love, paying attention to himself and how his choices affected other people. If he acted like a toddler and threw a fit, I would treat him like a toddler and put him in time out. He has the ability to control, but it’s at the power of his own choice. My love for him could never be taken away. It will still be there no matter what path he chooses. Even if it was to hurt people. But sometimes if we love someone, the hardest choice is to let them make their own decisions and learn for themselves. No matter how much it hurts us.
Eagle Therapies 